It is never an easy moment, when you feel you need to explain your emotional state. I get anxious and sad and angry and frustrated because I never know how quite to say what I need to say.

No feeling is final

This jumble of emotions usually stops me from saying what I need to say in favour of only what I think is palatable to the person hearing it.

If I have learned anything in my life thus far, it’s that people don’t want to hear about your struggles with melancholy and sadness and depression.

People just want the broad strokes fitting nicely into their already-set-in-place judgements of you.

However, when I am asked directly about something I’ve said or written I feel like maybe there is the smallest of openings to express a bit more. So I try a bit more.

This happened last week. I had written a post elsewhere vaguely referring to a time last year when I was on the precipice of a really dark place.

Someone read the post and asked me directly about the dark tones to my words.

I was slightly taken aback, and struggled for a bit to figure out how I was going to respond.

I decided to be honest and started at the beginning. But, I didn’t get far into it. Another question was asked, I answered, and that new topic was then promoted to be where the conversation needed to head. And I rolled with it.

Lessons Learned

But being asked brought back a lot of feelings about last year and all the events and experiences I went through.

There were times when I didn’t know if I would see the other side of any emotion I had. Somehow, I did. Or at least I believe I have.

My emotional and psychological state is much better than what it was. Ties were cut where they needed to be cut. Connections lapsed that needed to be so.

I started focusing on reducing all the self-negativity weighing me down (cutting those ties helped a lot). This included toning down my introvert tendencies to chew on and stress about everything for hours and days and weeks etc. (This discussion last week? Didn’t give it any thought until writing this post.)

Through all this I learned, or rather I finally admitted I am extremely hard on myself as an offensive mechanism. And I really need to stop this.

I also learned:

No feeling is final.  Another one is going to come along and supercede this one. It may be good, it may be bad. But how you feel now and what you feel now will not last unless you labour to have it so. (I thank Rainer Maria Rilke for this one).

A feeling is not you. You are not your thoughts or feelings; it is all self-deception coupled with external judgements.

And so I share these lessons with you this week in a deliberately muddled visual. Perhaps you may find some solace / support / invigoration / or whatever you need from these lessons too.